Come one, come all! See the disheveled circus freak! She wears jeans, a sweatshirt, and skull cap when it's cold outside! She layers her clothing! And finally (gasp!), she wears her hair down!!!!
Be excited, for here, in this very post, you will now be treated to the story of the previous Heavyweight Go Into the Ham Passive-Aggressive Comment with Extensive and Convoluted Subtext.
We were all in Santa Cruz for our annual family trip that we generally all acquiesce to in order to not hurt my pop's feelings. It's usually a disaster of varying intensity. Two years ago, mom got pissed that dad wasn't paying enough attention to her, decided no one wanted her there, and drove home. Drove home! Mind you, home was four hours away and this left us with two kids, myself, my boyfriend, and and my father all needing to squeeze into my Maxima with a week's worth of shit in order to get home. Very thoughtful. She ended up coming back.
The year in question-this past summer-we mostly avoided mom and dad by going downtown for coffee constantly and shopping a lot. Yay for family togetherness!
On the particular evening of infamy, it was our last night there and we all went down to the boardwalk to go on rides and have a last hurrah. I was walking ahead with my niece and it was quite crowded. My sister looked around, didn't see me right away, and asked my mother, "Where's Jill?" The loving, motherly response? "She's the disheveled one up there."
"I think she looks really cute", said my loyal sister, trying to defend me.
"Oh, I do too!! That's not what meant", said the back-pedaling mother.
My sister later enlightened me as to this comment, and it was then that my world suddenly came crashing down and I thought to myself, "Self, I don't think she's a very nice person." And thus, long before we had ever conceived of "Go Into the Ham", the seeds of genius were planted.
Monday, December 31, 2007
We're all friends here
My friend, Eric, was visiting this weekend. It just so happens that we used to date a couple years ago, but have nevertheless managed to preserve our friendship through subsequent relationships and moves. This makes me very happy!
So, on the self-same Saturday of the Nutcracker extravaganza, Eric was staying with us. Saturday night, Lexy and Dave were kind enough to make dinner for the whole entourage - me, Eric, the kids, and my parents.
The crown jewel of the evening and new Go Into the Ham Passive Aggressive Comment with Extensive and Convoluted Subtext title holder (see "Disheveled" for details on the previous title holder): I came into the kitchen as she was saying to Eric (and subsequently repeated to me as I was trying to wash the dishes from the meal), "You say you want to date frivolous men, but you have pictures of kids on your match.com page and Sophia's voice on your voicemail. You need to change those if you want to attract frivolous men."
Okay #1, I have NEVER said I wanted to date "frivolous men". I don't even know what that means.
#2 It's none of her business who I date.
#3 If you have something cutting to say, please don't say it in front of my friend who I haven't seen in a year and a half and with whom you have spent a total of maybe 4 hours. Bad form.
The subtext of the new heavyweight champion comment, as later determined by our committee: you are shallow, you don't have the wherewithal to determine how to go about obtaining the sort of relationship you claim to desire, and I know better. Also: I'm pissed at you for going out last night and being a little late getting started this morning, so I'm going to embarrass you in front of your friend. Also also, you shouldn't be having someone you once dated and with whom you are now friends staying over and being involved in your life, so I'm going to make you both feel awkward.
Nice.
So, on the self-same Saturday of the Nutcracker extravaganza, Eric was staying with us. Saturday night, Lexy and Dave were kind enough to make dinner for the whole entourage - me, Eric, the kids, and my parents.
The crown jewel of the evening and new Go Into the Ham Passive Aggressive Comment with Extensive and Convoluted Subtext title holder (see "Disheveled" for details on the previous title holder): I came into the kitchen as she was saying to Eric (and subsequently repeated to me as I was trying to wash the dishes from the meal), "You say you want to date frivolous men, but you have pictures of kids on your match.com page and Sophia's voice on your voicemail. You need to change those if you want to attract frivolous men."
Okay #1, I have NEVER said I wanted to date "frivolous men". I don't even know what that means.
#2 It's none of her business who I date.
#3 If you have something cutting to say, please don't say it in front of my friend who I haven't seen in a year and a half and with whom you have spent a total of maybe 4 hours. Bad form.
The subtext of the new heavyweight champion comment, as later determined by our committee: you are shallow, you don't have the wherewithal to determine how to go about obtaining the sort of relationship you claim to desire, and I know better. Also: I'm pissed at you for going out last night and being a little late getting started this morning, so I'm going to embarrass you in front of your friend. Also also, you shouldn't be having someone you once dated and with whom you are now friends staying over and being involved in your life, so I'm going to make you both feel awkward.
Nice.
Grandmotherly love
So on Saturday the 28th, my niece, mom, dad, and I were going to the Nutcracker. My nephew is more into looking at cars and had decided not to come. So as we were leaving, Sophia was saying "Griffon's not coming la la la."
Her charming grandmother responded with, "Well if he doesn't want to come, we don't want him here."
So, in the interest of teaching Sophia how nice people behave, I offered up, "Mom, let's not bash Griffon right now."
(Insert tones of angry effrontery here). "I'm not bashing, I'm just saying that blah blah."
Mmkay, it was 9:30 in the morning, I had been up until 3 and had just gotten home at 8:30. A bit much for a wake-up call.
Her charming grandmother responded with, "Well if he doesn't want to come, we don't want him here."
So, in the interest of teaching Sophia how nice people behave, I offered up, "Mom, let's not bash Griffon right now."
(Insert tones of angry effrontery here). "I'm not bashing, I'm just saying that blah blah."
Mmkay, it was 9:30 in the morning, I had been up until 3 and had just gotten home at 8:30. A bit much for a wake-up call.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Actually, it's probably The Black Death
A few weeks ago my mother called me: "Do the kids have Pink Eye?"
"No, why would you ask?"
"Because my eye is red and itchy, and I think I might have Conjunctivitis."
"Are your eyes gummy? Are they swollen?"
"Well that's the weird thing, it's just one eye, and it's just red and itchy. And I feel like there might be something in it. "
"Does it occur to you that you might have something in your eye?"
"I wondered about that, but I'm going to the doctor, so he'll tell me."
"OK, let me know if you have Conjunctivitis."
Several hours later she called me back: "I saw the doctor and I had an eyelash in my eye. He removed it, and I already feel better."
"So you went to the doctor for an eyelash in your eye."
"Yes, and I might not be able to come to watch the kids tomorrow."
"Now why is that, Mom?"
"Well the doctor said that if it gets worse, I'll need to put antibiotics in my eye, and if I have to go to the pharmacy, I might not have time to come down."
"Um... I bet you'll be OK."
"No, why would you ask?"
"Because my eye is red and itchy, and I think I might have Conjunctivitis."
"Are your eyes gummy? Are they swollen?"
"Well that's the weird thing, it's just one eye, and it's just red and itchy. And I feel like there might be something in it. "
"Does it occur to you that you might have something in your eye?"
"I wondered about that, but I'm going to the doctor, so he'll tell me."
"OK, let me know if you have Conjunctivitis."
Several hours later she called me back: "I saw the doctor and I had an eyelash in my eye. He removed it, and I already feel better."
"So you went to the doctor for an eyelash in your eye."
"Yes, and I might not be able to come to watch the kids tomorrow."
"Now why is that, Mom?"
"Well the doctor said that if it gets worse, I'll need to put antibiotics in my eye, and if I have to go to the pharmacy, I might not have time to come down."
"Um... I bet you'll be OK."
Or you COULD say...
Jill was in the living room with the kids, trying to teach them to be human beings. She had Sophia ask Griffon about his day. Then she said, "OK, now you say, 'that's very interesting, it sounds like you had fun.'"
Beside me in the kitchen, Mom says, "Or you could just say, 'You had a busy day!' and then you wouldn't have to LIE."
She said this in exactly the tone she has used with me on countless occasions. In effect, she had just told me that she generally doesn't give a damn about me or my activities. I felt like Winston Smith holding the scrap of paper proving that the government was systematically faking the past. I had always known it, but here she was admitting it to me.
Freedom is slavery.
Beside me in the kitchen, Mom says, "Or you could just say, 'You had a busy day!' and then you wouldn't have to LIE."
She said this in exactly the tone she has used with me on countless occasions. In effect, she had just told me that she generally doesn't give a damn about me or my activities. I felt like Winston Smith holding the scrap of paper proving that the government was systematically faking the past. I had always known it, but here she was admitting it to me.
Freedom is slavery.
Don't buy a Dodge!
So I'm ogling the 2008 Dodge Charger in the Saturday auto section and comment on it to the male child and his grandfather while torturing my spouse by waving it at her when the mother in law pipes up with "Don't buy a Dodge, I had a Chrysler and only had problems with it". Well your damn Chrysler which was probably unhitched from horses before the sales people tried to shove you and it off the lot are no competition for an actual performance car.
This is not to say that I'm all that when it comes to talking performance cars, but I know this much, Bill Hickman and his Charger smoked Steve McQueen and his Mustang in Bullitt with only a single modification, I believe it was the distributor, they spent thousands on the Mustang for it to compete. The point being that she could only harp on about her bullshit experience with some POS from years ago. Again, she is the center of the universe or an emotional black hole, your call...
This is not to say that I'm all that when it comes to talking performance cars, but I know this much, Bill Hickman and his Charger smoked Steve McQueen and his Mustang in Bullitt with only a single modification, I believe it was the distributor, they spent thousands on the Mustang for it to compete. The point being that she could only harp on about her bullshit experience with some POS from years ago. Again, she is the center of the universe or an emotional black hole, your call...
Friday, December 28, 2007
The Pecan Pie Incident
To continue with the "un-obscured gems" theme, I'd like to go back to Thanksgiving for one minute.
Mom makes a pecan pie, that every year doesn't set. It never has. Not in 29 conscious years of pie-eating on my part. It's always gloppy and runny, and still pretty yummy anyway.
This year Jill and Dave and I made the turkey, stuffing, potatoes, biscuits, pumpkin pie, cranberry bread, and basically everything else necessary for a Thanksgiving dinner. My Mom made the pecan pie.
After dinner we went to the kitchen to cut the pies. Everyone wanted some of everything. She cut into her pecan pie, realized it hadn't set, and as she does every year said, "I'm so sorry, I don't know why I bother, the pie is ruined."
As I do every year, I said, "What matters is that it tastes good, it will be fine, no need to apologize."
We served the pies and everyone started eating. I think a few people even complimented her on her pie.
Next time I looked around, she was in the kitchen running the water. My Dad was saying, "What are you doing? I liked it," plaintively.
She'd washed the pecan pie down the garbage disposal. Without asking anyone. And if she wasn't quite crying, she was pretty damn close.
Mom makes a pecan pie, that every year doesn't set. It never has. Not in 29 conscious years of pie-eating on my part. It's always gloppy and runny, and still pretty yummy anyway.
This year Jill and Dave and I made the turkey, stuffing, potatoes, biscuits, pumpkin pie, cranberry bread, and basically everything else necessary for a Thanksgiving dinner. My Mom made the pecan pie.
After dinner we went to the kitchen to cut the pies. Everyone wanted some of everything. She cut into her pecan pie, realized it hadn't set, and as she does every year said, "I'm so sorry, I don't know why I bother, the pie is ruined."
As I do every year, I said, "What matters is that it tastes good, it will be fine, no need to apologize."
We served the pies and everyone started eating. I think a few people even complimented her on her pie.
Next time I looked around, she was in the kitchen running the water. My Dad was saying, "What are you doing? I liked it," plaintively.
She'd washed the pecan pie down the garbage disposal. Without asking anyone. And if she wasn't quite crying, she was pretty damn close.
Squicky
On Christmas Eve Dave and I went running. We came back just in time for dinner to start, so didn't shower. Several hours later, as we were leaving, my mother hugged me and said (as she frequently does after hugging me), "My babies always smell so nice! They always have!"
I said, "What? Like sweat?"
Dude. I'm 31. I'm an adult person. I don't smell nice. And if I do, back the fuck up, alright?
She complains that I don't like physical contact. She thinks I was damaged as a child and have somehow manifested the damage as an adult in disliking to be hugged or kissed. Could it be that I dislike having my body odor commented upon by my mother? Could it be that is a line I actually don't need to have crossed by her? And so I shy away from being hugged?
Hmmm....
I said, "What? Like sweat?"
Dude. I'm 31. I'm an adult person. I don't smell nice. And if I do, back the fuck up, alright?
She complains that I don't like physical contact. She thinks I was damaged as a child and have somehow manifested the damage as an adult in disliking to be hugged or kissed. Could it be that I dislike having my body odor commented upon by my mother? Could it be that is a line I actually don't need to have crossed by her? And so I shy away from being hugged?
Hmmm....
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Some gems that should not be allowed to pass into obscurity
Alrighty, so before we get too far from the holidays to remember all the precious nuggets uttered by our mother during enforced FAMILY TOGETHERNESS, let's just do a little re-cap.
1) As my 9-year-old nephew and 6-year-old niece were playing with their Christmas toys and my father was preparing Christmas dinner, my mother asked them to help set the table. Fine. Excellent. They should help. However, when they failed to respond immediately, she said to them, "Let's not ruin Grampy's nice dinner." WTF?!
2) And let me just add as a side note to the above that she forgot to make the dessert that she's made every year in living memory. She said, "Oh, I forgot that I usually make it. I was waiting for your dad to do it." Mind you, she didn't say to my father, "Dear, are you going to make the trifle?" That way, he could have said, "No, you always make it." Nope. She just waited for him to make it, expecting him to read her mind and discern that this was her expectation. Yay for good spousal communication!
3) When we got to their house for dinner, we waited for awhile for my parents to answer the door. Finally, my sister got out her key and started to unlock the door just as my mom opened it. Startled, my sister jumped and made some sort of exclamation. My mother's reponse? "Oh great. My daughter's scared of me!!" Um, or you startled her?
4) I had asked my parents for money for Christmas since I'm starting back to school in January. I was expecting maybe $50 because I knew they had already bought me some presents. They ended giving me $200! I was quite pleasantly surprised and, since I am inordinately worried about paying for school right now, I became a little emotional. So later, as we were preparing to leave, my mom takes me aside and says, (insert whispered tones of significance here) "Thank you for your appreciation of your gifts". Uh, no problem. I like money.
Merry Christmas 2007!!!!!!!!!!
1) As my 9-year-old nephew and 6-year-old niece were playing with their Christmas toys and my father was preparing Christmas dinner, my mother asked them to help set the table. Fine. Excellent. They should help. However, when they failed to respond immediately, she said to them, "Let's not ruin Grampy's nice dinner." WTF?!
2) And let me just add as a side note to the above that she forgot to make the dessert that she's made every year in living memory. She said, "Oh, I forgot that I usually make it. I was waiting for your dad to do it." Mind you, she didn't say to my father, "Dear, are you going to make the trifle?" That way, he could have said, "No, you always make it." Nope. She just waited for him to make it, expecting him to read her mind and discern that this was her expectation. Yay for good spousal communication!
3) When we got to their house for dinner, we waited for awhile for my parents to answer the door. Finally, my sister got out her key and started to unlock the door just as my mom opened it. Startled, my sister jumped and made some sort of exclamation. My mother's reponse? "Oh great. My daughter's scared of me!!" Um, or you startled her?
4) I had asked my parents for money for Christmas since I'm starting back to school in January. I was expecting maybe $50 because I knew they had already bought me some presents. They ended giving me $200! I was quite pleasantly surprised and, since I am inordinately worried about paying for school right now, I became a little emotional. So later, as we were preparing to leave, my mom takes me aside and says, (insert whispered tones of significance here) "Thank you for your appreciation of your gifts". Uh, no problem. I like money.
Merry Christmas 2007!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Christmas consternation
So last Christmas, I was living in Arcata and for the record, I was in a relationship with a man who is not a particularly festive person. I had to work on Christmas and Christmas Eve, so my parents decided to come up for Christmas dinner. I thought this was a very nice gesture at the time - driving for hours to be with their daughter who couldn't make it home for Christmas. However, I thought too soon!!
This year, for the record, I'm living with my sister and my Christmas has been significantly festive-er than last year. So last night, my mom corners me in the kitchen after blathering for hours about nothing and asks me (insert significant, whispered tones here) "So how's your Christmas this year?" "It's good. Much better than last year." "Oh good. We were so worried about you last year!"
Yeeah. So now the nice gesture becomes "We were afraid you were going to descend into a mire of depression because of your terrible boyfriend and choice of place to live, so we felt we had to drive up there to save you!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sweet. But like, I think I was actually okay.
This year, for the record, I'm living with my sister and my Christmas has been significantly festive-er than last year. So last night, my mom corners me in the kitchen after blathering for hours about nothing and asks me (insert significant, whispered tones here) "So how's your Christmas this year?" "It's good. Much better than last year." "Oh good. We were so worried about you last year!"
Yeeah. So now the nice gesture becomes "We were afraid you were going to descend into a mire of depression because of your terrible boyfriend and choice of place to live, so we felt we had to drive up there to save you!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sweet. But like, I think I was actually okay.
I'm an ANTHROPOLOGIST!!!
She explained to us last night that they attended the Winter Solstice celebration at the Unitarian Church, and Dad actually enjoyed it. She said, "But it seemed like they drug in Native American and all kinds of traditions, not just Pagan."
I said, "Well actually, that is what Pagans do: use pieces of lots of different beliefs."
"I know that, I'M AN ANTHROPOLOGIST!!!"
Right. Because 30 years ago you got a Bachelor's in Anthropology? Does that make me a Psychologist too?
Point of Protocol: Caps, in this case, do not mean yelling. No one in our family yells. We just say immensely portentous things in a dripping-with-meaning tone. So just go ahead and imagine that you feel very uncomfortable, but not exactly angry or attacked, whenever you see caps.
I said, "Well actually, that is what Pagans do: use pieces of lots of different beliefs."
"I know that, I'M AN ANTHROPOLOGIST!!!"
Right. Because 30 years ago you got a Bachelor's in Anthropology? Does that make me a Psychologist too?
Point of Protocol: Caps, in this case, do not mean yelling. No one in our family yells. We just say immensely portentous things in a dripping-with-meaning tone. So just go ahead and imagine that you feel very uncomfortable, but not exactly angry or attacked, whenever you see caps.
How is Your Stomach?
Last night I was sick. My stomach hurt, I had a horrible cold, and of course, it was Christmas Eve. I realized an hour before my parents and the children descended that I was absolutely not up to festivities.
I lay on the couch while they ate dinner and had a birthday celebration for Sophia's doll (!). I didn't eat cupcakes. I sipped tea and felt like crap.
We made our yearly pilgrimage to look at Christmas lights, and by the time we got home my stomach felt a little bit better. The kids opened their presents and while they got ready for bed, my sister made coffee with Irish Cream in it.
I sat in our big blue chair, put my feet up on the table and savored my warm beverage. I started to feel OK for the first time in about three days.
Mom walked into the room, and with an exaggeratedly concerned look asked, "How is your stomach feeling?"
"It actually feels a lot better now."
"Does it feel OK? How is it doing with the coffee?"
"It's fine. The coffee is good."
"Good, because you know, coffee has a lot of acid, and can make your tummy feel bad."
Translation: You just spent the whole night lying on the couch not being festive, and now you are sitting there willfully doing something that is going to make you feel worse. Why are you so selfish? You should not drink coffee with Irish Cream in it FOR YOUR CHILDREN!!!!
Sigh.
Merry Christmas
I lay on the couch while they ate dinner and had a birthday celebration for Sophia's doll (!). I didn't eat cupcakes. I sipped tea and felt like crap.
We made our yearly pilgrimage to look at Christmas lights, and by the time we got home my stomach felt a little bit better. The kids opened their presents and while they got ready for bed, my sister made coffee with Irish Cream in it.
I sat in our big blue chair, put my feet up on the table and savored my warm beverage. I started to feel OK for the first time in about three days.
Mom walked into the room, and with an exaggeratedly concerned look asked, "How is your stomach feeling?"
"It actually feels a lot better now."
"Does it feel OK? How is it doing with the coffee?"
"It's fine. The coffee is good."
"Good, because you know, coffee has a lot of acid, and can make your tummy feel bad."
Translation: You just spent the whole night lying on the couch not being festive, and now you are sitting there willfully doing something that is going to make you feel worse. Why are you so selfish? You should not drink coffee with Irish Cream in it FOR YOUR CHILDREN!!!!
Sigh.
Merry Christmas
The First Post
Our mother is insane, so we decided that for our mental well-being, as well as comedic value, we need to make a blog about her.
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