I'm going to be 65!!!!!!!!!!

So following the incidents of last weekend with my mother making inappropriate comments in front of my friends, I decided to behave like an adult and attempt to present my feelings in an orderly, dispassionate manner. I sent her the following e-mail:

"Hi Mom. In the interesting [sic] of honesty and preserving a good relationship, I need to say something. I was quite hurt that you made deprecatory comments to me in front of Eric and Mona. Specifically, telling me how I shouldn't have kids on my match.com page or on my voice mail if I want to attract a certain kind of man. That made me really uncomfortable, and I felt it was an inappropriate thing to say in front of my friend. Also, when we were talking to Mona about politics, Dad made a comment about me being touchy, and you said, 'Well, what's new?' It may have been intended as a joke, but first of all, I don't find it funny when you guys tease me about being touchy, and second of all, your tone of voice did not sound at all like you were teasing. These comments may have seemed harmless to you, but I've been thinking about them ever since and feel that I need to clear the air in order to move forward.

I hope this facilitates discussion and does not make you feel like you are on the defensive. I'm not trying to attack you; I just feel that it's best for our (or any) relationship to have hurt feelings out in the open. Please feel free to share any thoughts or feelings you have about this or anything else."

I received this response:

"Hi!" (note the very excited exclamation point!!!)

"You are touchy with me. I wasn't teasing. I will make a greater effort not to discuss dating issues with you or your friends, even when you and they bring it up. You said I should have spoken out against your engagement to Danny; to what end? My in-put is seldom welcomed and your reactions are totally unpredictable. I am learning to butt out. Pain works to keep me in line.

I don't feel you are attacking me. You are speaking your mind. You feel free to do that. I do not."

So I thought about it for a day or two. Really had no idea how to scoop this mess back out of the gutter and place it gingerly back onto the level plane of adult interactions. I came up with this:

"I'm sorry to hear that you do not feel free to speak your mind. You are. I understand that you think I'm touchy, and that's unfortunate. The fact of the matter is that I'm making a concerted effort to express my feelings more honestly and immediately. I understand that this causes some tension and unpleasantness. However, I think it's critically important that we all express our feelings honestly in order to have adult relationships.

Everything I'm saying here is in the interest of improving and maintaining a close relationship with you. I want to know when I cross the line and hurt your feelings, and I hope that you feel the same. I know I have changed, but this is something I am doing consciously, and not a matter of me feeling irritated and flying off the handle."

No response. They came for my birthday dinner tonight and it was like nothing had ever happened. The only difference was that I had the most pleasant evening I have had with my mother in approximately...forever. Apparently, pain actually does work to keep her in line. :D

And on a side note: the only notable misbehavior this evening was that, throughout my birthday dinner, whenever anyone mentioned that I will be 28 tomorrow (!), my mother yelled, "I'M GOING TO BE 65 SOON!" Let's hear it for not being capable of allowing anyone else to be the center of attention, even when that person is your daughter and it happens to be her birthday.